RETURNING HOME

RETURNING HOME
(on visiting deer park monastery on new year's day 2006)

returning home
is saying
yes to the praktis
and visiting deerpark more
being responsible (i'm using that word a lot these days)
for my praktis
for the conditions of my praktis
and the people and relationships i create
not to visit and then disappear
and be all sporadic
about what i'm doing
cultivating and sustaining
this relationship with myself
and the beauty that is created
in us because of others
who share their wisdom, being
and presence
intimacy
during the closing sharings at deerpark
the thankfulness of the monastics
that people visited to share this time
with them
i heard brother phap trach more
i heard sister susan more
i heard them more
i heard brother phap hai
speak about being present
and available for one another
don't know how much space
i have for others
but being available
anonymously
quietly
and even from afar
i can do that
i'd like to do that
yes to that
after a short hiatus
RETURNING HOME
and still being received
openly
generously
and space (although i got called out!)
the praktis has space for me
literally
space for me and
my ways of acting
holding the suffering i have
in the most subtle of ways
holding the things
i do not feel i can hold
even within myself
the space i needed
to have entered and then left
and the loving energy
that received me upon my return
that meant something to me
and deerpark is a little different now
creating space to receive the changes
with brother phap dung and others gone
and still i feel a connection
seeing natalie and knowing the kind
of friendship i've built with her
all the support she's given me
and the support i too can offer
being there to see other flipbuddha praktisyoners
and just being there to be witness to that gift
for me
i need to see that
it makes my life feel complete
seeing that lady with the nice afro hairdo
i don't know her but i'd like to - next time
i wanna say hi and tell her how her hair
gives me happiness
the kids that play and bow three times
to the three jewels
and recite the two promises
i believe in these lil' ones
and i wanna support them
in their life
the parent who made sure to
say hi to me
she stopped to say hi and
offered a bow
welcoming me back
gently and loving
old friends whom i know
have lived full years in the distance
and time we/i have been away
catching up with them
catching up on life
and reconnecting
catching up with sister chau nghiem
so many months later
after i wrote her about my
"experiment" hahahaha
i returned and saw and received
all these things
no pretense for having been gone
just always the goodness
of deer park to give
a mountain of love
just vibrating up there
RETURNING HOME
because i know now
that this is where part of my life is
i might've denied it before
i was confused before
i didn't open to it enough
from the heart to take in
all the goodness
i left only to return
differently now i think
there's a lesson in all of this
deeper and more healing
than what i am sensing now
the new year visit
the five mindfulness trainings
bowing to all our ancestors
brother phap niem's talk (oooooh)
brother phap hai's walking, living
breathing dharma
unfadeable
deerpark is unfadeable
incredible love that's unfadeable
the dharma is deeply and lovely - sing it!
rest now young one
stop here
arrive completely
home is here
that's all you need know