loving kindness (to me...)

february 25, 2003
(email to old friend onelovetrust - thanks for resending and reminding me...)

loving kindness to me...

today, i am thinking about how important it is to be able
to cultivate deep loving kindness for myself. to know how
to take care of myself, to be kind to myself, to make room
for myself, to embrace myself when things are good, but
moreso, when things are bad. when things are bad, i cannot let
that strong wave of emotion carry me too far to a point
where i again feel incapable, unworthy, low, hopeless,
mediocre, rejectable---should i go on? ( :-) no but really, this
morning, i woke up and caught a glimpse of an insight about
how important it is---for my continued growth, as i
continue to dig and dig and dig some more, practicing gently
patience and understanding with myself---to be able to laugh at
my difficulties, my weakness, my
forgetfulness...befriending them and accepting them. its funny because maybe the
things that i am "striving to cultivate" are no further than
learning to love myself deeply, especially when i suffer and
feel bad. maybe the act of striving towards something is
the trick lure i cast to be able to stumble, fall,
forget---reminding me to return back to myself, to pick myself up,
dust myself off, releasing breath with laughter! loving
kindness begins with me, soothing me to grow.

in that book "wisdom of no escape", i like the part where
she speaks against fixations for change and transformation
because this too is a form of aggression on ourselves...the
need to feel like i am not already whole, able, complete.
samsara with nirvana. loving kindness is the sweet nectar
between the two. i grow in confidence that it will carry
me joyfully, supporting my /mis/adventures. loving kindness
is knowing that sometimes, or maybe even most times, its
okay to get off the freeway, rest, and then come back.
whoever said we couldn't.

the dimensions of love continue to astound and surprise me.
so many textures. expansive, pure, humble, skillful in its
gentleness, focused intent, penetrating, diffusing subtly,
infectious, smoothening the edges of my heart.