reflections from last september 2004

september 26, 2004
(an email to a friend, catching up on what's been going on with our lives. and as i post this, i think about next saturday, friends getting married and the reunion of old kaibigans, homies and homegirls from high school days. this is dedicated to my friend dfk who has taught me a great deal about faith, forgiving, giving and surrendering.)
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i'm finding myself very aware of age and time these days.  working with 14 year old doesn't help matters, knowing I am 12+ years older than these young ones, and knowing how much of LIFE is ahead of them.  That prospect brings joy and happiness at times knowing the world they will create and inherit, however at times feelings of fear and uncertainty arise as well---goodness, I hope their lives growing up won't be as difficult as mines..or so I hope.

i'm not sure where to begin with your question about the "spiritual" part of my life these days but i welcome this opportunity to share with you whatever clarity might come from me tonight.  this isn't uncomfortable...it's actually kind of an interesting exercise. 

the past two years or so have brought me to various places within myself and my understanding of my world which has led me to explore the more spiritual parts of this lifetime.  part of this was attending the retreat with you several years back and then afterwards encountering other opportunities which tugged at what i knew about prayer from catholicism and what i came to know and discover as meditation from a buddhist perspective on life and living. 

if you ask me what i "call" myself, i can say i'm a buddhist, i'm a catholic, or none of those.  i can say i grew up catholic.  i can say i praktis buddhist ways of relating to my world.  my teacher's name is thich nhat hanh and he is a poet and zen monk originally from vietnam.  there is a buddhist praktis center/monastery which i have been visiting these past couple of years (www.deerparkmonastery.org) which has provided me a lot of space and support as i was in school and all the other things that came with that, those things that became of me through that.  oooh, goodness, i'm so glad that is overrrrr. 

the short version old friend is i learn a Way of Being from this place, i learn a way of living that feels very close and familiar and warm to me and my heart.  it feels grounding and deep and real to me---unlike anything i've ever experienced before--- and i've continued to explore it in the times and opportunities i've had.  i don't think i've ever felt this affinity to something before and there was/actually is/are still moments when i question, man, what's up with you and all this buddhist stuff, and i get caught in my mind about it but when i am still enough, i know that i feel open to receiving this wisdom and i know i benefit greatly from it.  it helps me to  live my life fully and i follow these teachings and believe in this moreso than the thoughts of suspicion, uncertainty and separation  in my mind.  through my breathing and my meditations and my understanding of how to relate to others, a path is created for me to experience the more subtle parts of Life/God.  i've continued on with that kinda faith and wishfulness and riskiness.  if this kinda essence was what i felt i was missing when i "left" the church, then here it is albeit in a seemingly different form, and i willingly receive it for maybe this is the response, the grace, the gift, the path given to me from my prayers and struggles before.  how funny to think i'd be led to teachings outside of my own cultural tradition of catholicism, but really though, there is no real separation, just different ways paving the way back to our True Origins. 

friend, i'm sure i can keep writing and writing and describing and remembering and recalling about this.  i'm not sure how clear my writing is tonight but i hope i've been able to communicate with you to a certain degree what the shape of my present life is...

you are sooo funny...thanks for being who you be, how you are and sharing that through time and distance with me old friend.  what a sweet gift to see you through the growth of your own family and to experience our lives mature and evolve together.  
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